haas's wit

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Dec 18, 2013

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Dec 27, 2012

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Dec 19, 2011

Pool Reinstated as Wopat Head Coach
Dec 08, 2011

Coach Pool Out of Mental Facility
Nov 23, 2011



Wopat Week 2 Presser

Q: Why do they still have us covering these stupid things every week? It's a fading medium; web videos are what's hot these days.

JP: I don't know, isn't that a question for your bosses?

Q: Oh yeah.

JP: So...does anyone have any questions for me?

Q: Not really, no. You lost to your cousin again, despite having your starting running back Arian Foster rush for approx. 435 yards with 12 TD's.

JP: Yeah, and I didn't even know who that guy was two weeks ago.

Q: That's not surprising. So how do you feel about your team going into the 2nd week?

JP: Well, Eli played a lot better than I thought and if we get a few guys on track I think we'll...

Q: (interrupting) Yeah, we don't care about any of this.

JP: Fine. I didn't want to do this, but you uninterested jerks just made me change my mind. I actually got a scoop for all you ham n' eggers. The Tom Wopat Fan Club has...(dramatic pause) hired a "consultant."

Q: A "consultant?"

JP: Y'up. This guy used to be a big name in the FFF for a few years, then got into some issues and got accused by certain people of some stuff...then he disappeared for awhile. Now, he's currently in the witness protection program so I had to come up with a different name for him, but we believe this is the guy we need to help us reach the next level.

Q: But you've won two titles and are consistantly among the top teams...

JP (interrupting) Ladies and gentlemen, I present the new "consultant" of the Tom Wopat Fan Club...Don Rayne!

Q: Don Rayne?

A guy that looks like a former FFF RB comes up to the stage. He's wearing a paper bag over his head but has on a pair of sunglasses outside the bag.

JP: Now, my man Don here has certain connections around the league and he has assured us he's the guy that can get the inside scoop on all the FFF happenings.

Q: You mean, spying?

DON RAYNE: I ain't no snitch, yo.

JP: Yeah, you heard him. No, we're gonna use this guy to be our own personal Ron Jaworski - breaking down game film, evaluating talent, spying on other teams, etc.

DON RAYNE: Yo, Dominick. I haven't forgotten, homeboy.

JP: Yeah yeah, shut up.

Q: Unbelievable.

JP: So, now you assholes will have something to write about, eh?

Q: Hey, "Don" - I heard your stolen jewelry was mysteriously returned to another one of your homes, have any comments?

DON RAYNE: Well, I...

JP: (interrupting) No no, he doesn't know what you're talking about. Now we gotta go.

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