haas's wit

Top 10 Albums of 2013
Dec 18, 2013

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Dec 19, 2011

Pool Reinstated as Wopat Head Coach
Dec 08, 2011

Coach Pool Out of Mental Facility
Nov 23, 2011



Wopat Week 6 Presser

Q: What gives? Where's Dayne at?

JP: First of all I'm the damn coach so you should want to talk to me, and second I sent Mr. "Rayne" out to Cornhole, Indiana or wherever the hell the Balls are playing these days to do a little pre-scouting on their team, if you know what I mean and I think you do.

Q: Yeah, he's gonna take a couple of Swamp Balls players out, get them in trouble and then snitch when the cops start asking questions.

JP: He ain't no snitch, yo...wait what the hell am I saying? God, you hear that so much around here it's like saying "hello."

Q: So are you happy with the job your "consultant" has done so far?

JP: Well, things aren't going well at all, as you can probably tell. We're 2-3, he's hijacking interview time and there's a look in Brandon Marshall's eyes that tell me the two of them got into something bad. REAL bad.

Q: And his threats and blackmail haven't worked either.

JP: Yeah, exactly. The more he puts out his threats and the more they continue to be ignored and we get our asses kicked it makes us look even worse than Coach Young after a two-day King Cobra bender.

Q: Earlier this week Coach Chiquet made rumblings that his team got points taken away during his matchup with the Ex-Cons. And just recently he hinted at the same thing happening this week against your team, which brings up the ongoing belief that you're in cahoots with the commissioner. Any comments?

JP: I don't know how many more times I gotta explain this to you slow-witted knuckle-draggers, but we are not in cahoots with the commish. We hate them, they hate us. Period. But you know, if they wanted to take some points away from the Swamp Balls this week and we happened to win because of it; what am I gonna do, NOT accept that?

Q: Touche.

JP: I gotta get a win dude, I don't care how anymore. We lost to Lightning and B-Dub two straight weeks! That's like the Lakers losing to the Clippers...and then losing to the Clippers again.

Q: This is boring, we don't care about any of this. Can't you call up Dayne and put him through to us? We need our weekly fix of unintentional, sad comedy.

JP: Well, he did give me this statement to read but I didn't think it would be a good idea...

Q: Just do it, asshole.

JP: Again, I have to remind you that I'm the coach of this team. It'd be nice to get a little respect around here...

Q: We don't care, just read the damn thing.

JP: Fine...

Coach Pool takes a note out of his pocket, and begins looking through it...

JP: Okay, let's see here...
nope, can't read that...
or that...
holy crap is that offensive...
anyone know what 'stanky for my hang-down' means?...
I'm pretty sure we can get arrested for this part here...
I don't understand what this says...
ah here we go...

Coach Pool tries to decipher Ron Dayne's handwriting...

JP: It says "Coach Spike? I got things on him, yo. He don't want to mess with the Dayne Train. Check it out...I happen to know that Spike and Deezy got they start pretendin' to be DJ's at a radio station up north and there was a ugly-ass incident, ya heard? And it spilled into they WWE careers and everything, straight up. And this is somethin' Deezy ain't real proud of either, yo. So if Spike wanna keep this quiet, he gonna have to fork over Dustin Keller, old school. Dayne out."

Coach Pool puts the note down.

JP: Okay, I'd just like to once again state for the record that we do not condone these threats our "consultant" makes on a weekly basis. And furthermore, we realize he keeps demanding other teams' tight ends; because of this Brent Celek has been an emotional wreck all season, thinking his job is on the line. We at Team Wopat are pleased with Mr. Celek's efforts lately to step his game up and we have no plans to part with him.

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