haas's wit

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Pool Reinstated as Wopat Head Coach
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Coach Pool Out of Mental Facility
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Wopat Week 12 Presser

JP: Alright let's get right to it. Yes I heard the audio from Coach Young's wife and I saw his latest video this week. And in the interest of me continuing to enjoy Ms. Young's delicious birthday cakes in the future, I guess I'll come out and also admit this stuff is all fake. I now realize that we've taken this stuff too far.

I know that homeless guy I met in Ypsilanti didn't appreciate me asking if he would become Ron Dayne in a video I intended to shoot.

I know Ms. Young doesn't appreciate Coach Young getting floor-crawling drunk every Tuesday night in the interest of "keeping it real for the camera."

I know whomever works at the U of M media center doesn't appreciate C-Deezy coming in every week to lay down his phat tracks without any explanation of who he is or why he's rapping about statutory rape.

I know the people who work at yahoo.com don't appreciate the angry, violent calls from "that Kevin guy in Wixom" everytime they changed the scoring the next day and it affected his team standing.

And I'm sure the police officers in Orange County are sick of getting in the middle of another B-Dub/White Lightning public dispute over who gets to draft Lofa Tatupu every year.

So my point is, yeah we're all a bunch of bored losers. Is that what y'all want to hear?

I don't really know Ron Dayne (although he did once try to sell me his Heisman for hooch money), Coach Young wasn't really responsible for Dallas Clark's injury (Dallas tried to jump that fire pit on his own free will), C-Deezy isn't really a wrestler/rapper/movie star (the rapping might be real, we're still not sure if he's serious or if it's a parody of some kind), Coach Trenkle doesn't really have anger issues (..........), Coach Spike doesn't really have swamp balls (he's a very well-groomed individual), Coach Sims didn't really move his team out to Grand Junction Colorado when their bus broke down (they didn't have enough money to stay there in the first place) and Coach Presseau didn't really offer the commissioner free grilled cheese sandwiches for life in exchange for a playoff berth (although it would've worked.)

Q: Well, if this is all fake why do you keep referring to your friends as "Coach Young", "C-Deezy", "B-Dub" and "Coach Sims?"

JP: I'll do you one better; if this is all fake who are you and why are you asking me questions?

Q: You just blew my mind, dude.

JP: Yeah I know, right?

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